Let us go, You & I, to that Alpha Gigantism Pilgrimage in the Sky

What's left for the Satirists after the What House is finished ruining the world?

Everybody be like, Bing: Why the radio silence? Did you run out of things to rant about?

Well my answer to those who question my ability to pump rage out of my squeeze box mind like bilge out of a ship’s hull is: Just sit back and enjoy…

ISSUE ONE (shouted from my John McLaughlin pocket megaphone) on the docket is what we call in the iron lung of my family, a warm-up rant. A warm-up rant is nearly a mere whine.

We will drink no whine before it’s time. (For those of you in the Orson Welles bloated, boozy glory crowd or who joined the Paul Masson low-to-mid-tier table wine sycophant horde.)

However, this warm-up rant is about how the world has become so absurd in the last year or so, (maybe the last decade or so, who can remember anymore?) that the absurdists are going out of business, eased out of their jobs which they once struggled at mightily to find things to parody. They out-absurded the absurdists, kids. Never before in human history.

Concretely ISSUE ONE yes, Big Issue! as the homeless drunks shout on the streets of Brummy, is the announcement by the What-The-Fuck House slid between the Cheetos and pig grease sheets, that they are nominating Nicholas Adams, of Florida, to be Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of the United States of America to Malaysia.

To the naked eye, this seems like just another ho-hum nomination hidden between the bum cheeks of cherubic House pages. It is assumed nobody gives a fuck about Malaysia unless their planes are falling off the radar.

So no, this nomination does not waddle its way into the royal mile-long list of offenses to the average intelligence that are ladled out daily by that fake blonde propaganda-and-lie diarrhea mouth of MAGA Barbie. It is not even a tremor.

But look, the reason this nomination pulls the absurdism out of the mouths of absurdists the way a social medicine doctor yanks the rotten teeth out of the feral mouths of the teenage drunkards and petty criminals in the social housing highrises of Toxteth, is because nobody understands what a fucking freak this good auld g’day Nick Adams is.

And again, Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of the United States of America to Malaysia is a John Madden beer fart of a title, sure.

Still, this guy documents his alpha gigantism with the fervor of a televangelist. For this still-in-zee-closet, shriveled Napoleon penis of a man, wrapped in the swaddling clothing of a boy hugged a little too weirdly by his uncle in some sweltering outback of kangaroo roadkill, it’s all living large, shitting on women, eating bloody steaks, and engaging in locker-room-boys-in-towels-style kinky bonding rituals.

If his annoying JD Eyeliner look-alike sidekick personality isn’t enough, his devotion to the dwindle-dick Trump borders on religious ecstasy.

"June is Alpha Male Awareness Month," he wrote at the beginning of last month. "As an alpha male, I don’t do Taco Tuesday," he added a few days later. "I prefer Tomahawk Tuesday."

I don’t know about the rest of you but if I didn’t git no Alpha Male Awareness Month days off and I live in France, a country that other than its national rugby team and wife-beating cohorts in Marseille, has an effete male population rivaled by only the Weimar Nazi bath boys, so if any country ever needed an Alpha Male Awareness Month, it’s France, and even though nobody works more than 9 months out of the year thanks to generous vacation packages and a Catholic saint holiday to venerate once a week, nobody saw fit to give us that month off. So I doubt the very existence of Alpha Male Awareness Month.

I read from a variety of sources although weirdly, I never heard it before now, that in 2023, Adams went viral for calling on all “Alpha” Males to boycott M&Ms, accusing the candy of "egregious" sexism against men for introducing female characters and promoting inclusivity. "M&Ms can't just brush their sexism under the rug and think we'll let them off the hook," he wrote amid the uproar. "1. Mars must issue a formal apology to men, and ONLY men. 2. Fair reparations must be paid."

So you have to think to yourself, this guy is a comedian, right? He’s making fun of Alpha Males by out-Alpha-ing the Alpha Males, right? No one in their right fucking mind is really wasting time worried about a handful of hole-in-Jesus’-hand, gender-toxic M&M candies, right? We are talking about fucking candy, right? M&Ms aren’t being used by Aussie Girl Nick Adams to illustrate some sickboy cosplay about trans M&Ms or female M&Ms, is he? I know the Christian zealot freaks once flipped out about gay Teletubbies but at least the Teletubbies almost had personalities like human beings and very unlike fucking candy made out of sugar, cocoa mass, skimmed milk powder, lactose and a handful of other unpronounceable chemical ingredients, right?

Have you ever seen the size of an M&M penis before? I mean yes, all over the world, M&Ms are desperately undergoing phalloplasty to try and seem more masculine but apparently to do so, they have to have whatever sliver of intelligence the gawd machine accidentally slipped into their koala and capybara cocktail brains at birth removed so that their skin flaps have more room to grow.

Lastly, he was quoted as exclaiming that "As I was eating my fifth breakfast steak this morning while reading Bloomberg, I read a report that Hooters is preparing to file for bankruptcy. Bidenflation, combined with the woke un-Americanism of the Democrats has caused terrible harm to one of our country’s great institutions. I personally volunteer myself to lead a Presidential Taskforce For The Preservation of Hooters."

This is not a test joke, kids. He really said this.

Did he mean it? Clearly not, or the woke boys in the red hats, busy with their war on women and children, would not have nominated such a weakling who makes jokes about serious things like the gender of M&Ms and who is to blame for the demise of Hooters.

And no, I never made it out of the warm-up rant stage and I apologise but there was so much material to warm up on, we’ve run out of time for the main course, boys and girls, but Unka Bing will be back in a fortnight with a finished flourish on his latest full-blown rant. Had this been a real rant, you would have been instructed to tune in to one of the broadcast stations in your area.